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 <itunes:summary>Everyday millions of people pore over the internet via search engines such as Google, Yahoo, Ask, and Dogpile.  This show looks at what these folks are trying to find and makes fun of it, whether it be cordless screwdrivers or monkey sex.  Learn a little, laugh a little and, hopefully, come away with the vague notion that we&#039;re all in the same boat, searching for silly things that we hope no one will find out about. 

See more of this great show and others at www.onnetworks.com.

All of ON Networks&#039; shows are available in both Apple TV HD and a smaller version that plays on both iPods and iPhones.   To download a different version of this show, click on the &quot;See All Podcasts&quot; link and select the version you&#039;d like to downloa</itunes:summary>
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 <media:text type="html"><![CDATA[Searchin’ USA
Episode “Up with learn”

Josh: OMG, I am so glad you can make it, we have got a great show for you today, complete with sarcastic banter and commentary on our sad society. Put the kids to bed though because this show will warp their little brains, let’s do this. 
This episodes theme is will it lead to porn? So let’s check out the top five things that almost got us fired for researching, number five is Bruce Springsteen at 310. Thank the sweet Virgin Mary on a corn dog searching for the boss did not yield any porn. 
Number four, Jessica Alba at number 38, sadly searching for this starlet did not yield any porn either… Number three, mindless self-indulgence. Now I suspected that this would lead me into a homepage of a Baptist church, but I wasn’t prepared for what it did lead to… A cupcake factory!
Number two, black beauty, at 501. This one is totally my fault, I was searching for a replacement show in a dark color for my infant and I got way more than I bargained for. And my number one will it lead to porn search term of the week is Panda movies at 801. Now we followed this term and did not find any terms involving pandas, but it did turn into some films with horses and now I am going to go washout my eyes with nail polish remover. 

Hey, speaking of the internet’s if you want to go online go to godaddy.com for .com names as low as $1.99, world class hosting and fast and easy website building utilities, also get 10$ off with this code. Just type it in and get your fat steaming slab into the internet. 
Now it is time for a new segment I like to call, up with learn, where we celebrate the internets ability to make us know things, and stuff. At number 524, periodic table rekindled our hopes that the internet is still a place to inform and educate a place to broaden our horizons with experiences we could never fathom. Well after finding this term we briefly believe that the internet could still be that engine that drove us further to the vanguard of civilization, them we found the latest element, pornium... the atomic wave, shame. 
And now for a very important combonation, where we find hilarious neighbors in the top one thousand, this week raspy voiced Canadian rocker Bryan Adams at 955 and ultra painful sexually transmitted virus herpes at 956. I don’t know it just seems to work. 
Alright well I am going to get home because I am going to watch that episode of F Troop that I Tevoed last night, and until I stop laughing, keep searchin’ USA. 

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 <media:text type="html"><![CDATA[Searchin’ USA
Episode “Drugs”

Josh: Hi I am Josh and welcome the Searchin’ USA, where we openly mocked you where you are of most vulnerable so lock the kids in the garage because it can be a little bit of color.  Let’s go.
This week’s intentionally absurd theme is look who is on drugs so I’m going to go through the top 1000 and pick the top five that were obviously made under the influence.  Number five Walgreens at 34, this pharmacy knows a lot about drugs.
Number for Kenny Chesney, you would have to be on drugs to like Kenny Chesney and yes moonshine is a drug.  Number three Bon Jovi at 299, let me guess they’re passing around a 6 footer over at the Ki Omega house and you blindly stumbled home in the darkness of the evening and in your dorm room you open up your keyboard and the blue light of the monitor you type in the most secret thing when nobody is looking.
Number two to game of life at 272, yeah you search for it but do you leave your parents’ basement to actually experience it?  And my number one look who is on drugs search of the week is McDonald’s at 835, it is late and you are high you could waddle into any direction and run into the golden arches, but no you have got to Google it right before you pass out and your incense sets off your smoke detectors.
It is time to get serious about the Internet, Internet and go to godaddy.com for all your domain needs, sometimes as low as $1.99, world class hosting and some great web building utilities.  All you have got to do is type in this code down here and get 10% off any purchase you do, so make it happen.
Now it is time for diet wars, when we find out how plus size America is fighting the battle of the bulge by looking at the inherit truths borne out in the top 1000 search queries.  Coming in at a surprising third place at 234 is the south beach diet.  Followed closely at 221 by the Atkins diet, but by far the number one way Americans lose weight is number 97 Jesus.  So get on your knees if you can find him.
Now we would like to take a moment to answer a search query that we found in the top 1000, number 332, graduation sayings for graduation. Here are a couple of recommendations, raaahr, I am drunk, we did it, or where is my cell phone.
OK for some reason I cannot feel my elbows and blood is coming out of the walls so I’m going to head over to the be cool tent, until I sober up keep searchin’ USA.
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 <itunes:author>ON Networks</itunes:author>
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 <pubDate>Thu, 01 Nov 2007 16:55:00 -0500</pubDate>
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 <media:text type="html"><![CDATA[Searchin’ USA 
Episode “Halloween”

Josh: Hey thanks for showing up, don’t show kids this show, Searchin’. Halloween will soon be here so we are counting down the top-five spooky and or pagan related searches, let's goo. Number five, Amy Winehouse, at 284, come Halloween this British pop star is not going to need a bag to carry her treats in, the only treats that she really wants are the ones that will fit up her nose, bing.
Number four global warming at 427, so some burnt out crazy hippie scientists want us to believe that this is the worst thing that we have a look for it too, if so then you better so all your stock in Chewbacca costumes inc.  Number three dogpile at number 132.  It sounds like you guys are boning up on your neighborhood pranks, I know when I am planning a flaming classic dog pile I would lay on the porch of some tightfisted no treat giving sucka, I like to add a rosemary sprig and a cardamom pod. It is kind of like my calling card.
Number two unique baby names at 743. Americans are looking for kick ass handles to give their youngsters names like Nosferatu, Tony, and Zoltare the inevitable.  And my number one Halloween related search term of the week is boys in diapers at 841.  What is better than dressing up as a slutty pumpkin?
Hey I you looking for a domain then go to GoDaddy.com they have them as low as $1.99 in addition to world-class hosting services and utilities to help you build your web site.  Just put in this code down here and get 10% off any purchase that you make.
And now for our biggest band in the world segment where we find the band search the most in the top 1000 and crown them kings or queens of all music. Squealing in at number 78 is Metallica, after we all realize that James Hatfield could not do anything more rock and roll than set himself on fire albeit accidentally, Metallica's fame has seemed to wean, along with their endearing alcoholism.  Now it seems they do not make CDs as much as they make decorative coasters that hearken back to the glory days of Kill Them All.
Now it is time for getting crafty with Josh, expounding on the popular search term homemade Halloween costumes from last week, I would like to give you some ideas for good costumes based on your search queries. Halo 3 at number 133 gives us a great idea for a Halloween costume, take some empty laundry detergent bottles, carefully paint them, put on a bicycle helmet and go door-to-door announcing that you're the famous Master Chief from the video game.
At number 434 transformers gives us another great idea for a Halloween costume, take those same painted laundry detergent bottles, the same bicycle helmet and declare yourself a robot and a car.  Or try Britney Spears at number 756, this does not take much to pull off, you shave your head, tuck your skirt into your underwear, send your three-year-old to buy you a pack of Kools at 7-11, and drunkenly rant at all your best friends, happy Halloween America, whoooo.
Okay I have to go find a virgin before midnight but hopefully I will see you next week on another episode of Searchin’ USA, happy Halloween.
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 <item> <title>Arbitrary</title>
 <link>http://cocktails.onnetworks.com/videos/searchin-usa/arbitrary</link>
 <description>An episode of random whims and backhanded social commentary&lt;br&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;http://cocktails.onnetworks.com/videos/searchin-usa/arbitrary&quot;&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;http://images.onnetworks.com/images/searchinusa_arbitrary_425x239.jpg&quot; title=&quot;Arbitrary&quot;&gt;&lt;/a&gt;</description>
 <pubDate>Wed, 24 Oct 2007 18:18:00 -0500</pubDate>
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 <media:text type="html"><![CDATA[Searchin’ Usa
Episode “Arbitrary”  

Josh: Buenos dia's internet, this is Josh and welcome to Searchin USA. The show where we stare mouth agape at what you Google frequently and slapped our collective forehead.  That being said, keep kids away from the show.  Let's do this. The completely random theme for this week show is arbitrary, so we're going to count our top-five arbitrary search terms.  Not that it really matters or not so I guess we can start, if you want.
Number five Shaq divorce 756, doesn't this guy wear a size 23 or something?  Because you know what they say about guys with big feet, their marriages fall apart.  Number four, lab collie mix at 281.  Where I'm from we make our lab collies from scratch, none of this instant microwave shit.
Number three, plenty of fish, at number 579.  As in, in the sea?  As in what your friends keep telling you over and over because you just came out of a bad breakup?  Look here is my advice, take what is left of your dignity,  go rent the second season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force on DVD.  Grab yourself a Sam's Club bucket of Twizzlers, eat the whole fucking thing, rub one out, and do it again in the morning.
Number two, erection at 67.  400,000 frat boys cutting right to the chase.  And my number one arbitrary search of the week is... Day spa, Houston, Texas.  This week's weather in Houston, humid with a 80% chance of bitter workaholic divorcees.
Hey, I do not know about you but one I'm looking for domain names on the Internet I am looking at goDaddy.com.  As low as $1.99 in some cases.  Hot to trot web Building utility stuff, and also world-class hosting services.  All you have to do for 10% off is type in this code down here, and get your ass to Go Daddy. mother fucking com bitch.  
Now a segment called Grandma has been on the computer again.  The anesthetic combination of lots of spare time and a longing for the good old days has the elderly invading our beloved internet, kind of like Omaha Beach.  This week driving slowly in the left-hand lane with their blinkers on are Frank Sinatra at 338 and large type crossword puzzles at 274.  Reminding us that we have nothing to look forward to when we get older except the smell of red rose perfume and mothballs.
So what would happen if we let your search results determine the president of the good old USA we will find out in this segment that I'm going to call the stiff election.  Well, America say hello to next president at 840 raisin faced incendiary curmudgeon Ron Paul is the only actual candidate to show up in the top 1000.  That is if you don’t count Hilary Duff at 870 or presidents on currency at 474.  It looks like you are too obsessed with the old ones to try to elect a new possibly cuter one.
Alright I have something very important to take care of in the garage, I can't tell you what it is but I'll see you next week.  Until then keep searching USA.



	
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 <media:text type="html"><![CDATA[Searchin USA
Episode “Doctors excuses, Hooters, and Term Papers”

Josh: Hey internet, josh here for searching USA the most important phenomenon since that one guy who played Van Halens eruption on the glockenspiel. But seriously we try to stay relevant and focus on all the silly things you search for in the top one thousand. Sometimes those silly things are pornographic, or downright illegal, so keep our kids away from this show. Let’s hit it.
This week we are counting down my top five back to school searches, so I hope you are taking notes. Number five, high school musical. Number twenty eight in the top one thousand either the recently released Disney film has kick started a nationwide fascination into poorly rehearsed awkward children’s theater be it a glossy highly marketed feature length brain drain. Or someone scored some nudy picks of the female lead dispersing her meticulously quaff reputation. I am thinking its B.

Number four cheerleaders, it’s a wonder this odd term ever made it in the top one thousand, with football season in full swing you would think people would be searching for more substantive tings, like more effective beer bongs or cocktail weenies. 
Number three doctor’s excuse, you would think that the term would have nothing to do with porn, you would be wrong. Number 2 hooters, yes I know associating this term with anything academic is a bit of a stretch but let just enjoy it for what it is. Thousands upon thousand of you using the most hilarious euphemism for breast to scrounge dirty pictures off the internet. 
And my number one back to school search term of the week is; Cold war history essay. Shame on you internet you have time to search for kid rock lyrics and Malaysian airline tickets, but not enough time to write a critical appraisal on the defining conflict on the last half of the 20th century? And who’s going to find a term paper on the internet anyway, dumbass. 
Ok, now for or combination segment. Where we analyze coincidentally back o back search terns in the top on thousand. This week showing up right next to each other are sweet at 465, and hairy at 466. It appears you guys like your women like you like your Kiwi fruit, sweet and hairy. And green inside. Let’s never eat Vietnamese before we shot this show again.
And now we have come to the end of the show and a segment I am going to call all is no lost. When we locate search term in the top one thousand that gives us hope that the entire country isn’t just flushing itself down the shitter with every embarrassing search you guys make. This week coming in at an encouraging number 554, is the term school violence prevention. 
This is most likely an indication that enough soccer moms and kids that got beat up a lot searched for a boring uncool term in an effort to make a difference. It doesn’t matter poindexter, I am still gong to kick you ass before homeroom. Ok well I got to go because my moms here, she is honking like three times so she must be pissed. I got a term paper to write, too. Until next week, keep searching USA. 
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 <media:text type="html"><![CDATA[Searchin USA
Episode “Diversity, French chicks, wedding vows”

Paul: Oh, gutentag Google heads welcome to Searchin USA, the searchenist show in… I can’t do this, is too hot. It’s too hot. 
Off camera Guy: Do it, get in there.
Paul: Ok, ok ouch. Whoa, sorry where was I. Sorry rough night. Okay, so this may come as a surprise but a lot of people search for things that are inappropriate for children, so keep your little inquisitive eyeballs away from this show. Let’s go.
The arbitrary theme for this weeks show is diversity. So here is my top five diversity related searches for this week. 
Number five chupacabre. This fabled Mexican livestock killing monster is tearing the inside of the top 1000. Chomping down on 121. Dios mio. Number four Pokémon porn. Simple alliteration. Or downfall of this civilization. Number three Gambar Pemerkosaan. I tried to find out more about this extremely popular internet search. It comes down to either being a sordid video of a Malaysian call girl. Or a killer recipe for stir fry. Either way I want a heaping scoop of that. 
Number two, statue of liberty. Nothing screams out diversity like a four hundred pound French chick. Made of pennies, and symbolism. And my number one diversity pick of the week is 8192 audio codec data tag. This is the mating call for a rare species of human, called dorkus maximus. They rarely come out at night because of their sever agoraphobia. And tend to nurse until the age of thirty. 
So who wins in a internet search off, between Swedish disco international megastars Abba, and increasingly irrelevant American rock act, Aerosmith. Well its crimazing but Abba is staying alive with 220 while Aerosmith is way further down the stairway of search heaven at 912. The only thing good to come out of that band was Liv Tyler and that really cool arcade game with the machine gun. What was it called? Revolution X, yeah. Play it. Confessions of the hipster. 
It can really wear away at ones faith in humanity pouring over data from internet searches eighteen hours a day seven days a week trying to bring you this show. Then you stumble on a diamond in the rough, like wedding vows, at 401. And everything seems to make sense. If just for a moment. In the spirit of this blessed exception we have written our own vows for you internet. 
Give me your hand. We pledge to be there for you, through hog tied grannies and topless social security benefits. Through Bon Jovi's, and big booty’s. We will always be there to bring you the most depressingly hilarious internet searches that you make. You believe me? Thank you.
Um yeah. Ok it looks like me and the internet are off to our honeymoon in Aruba. Four days of Mai Thais and the He Haw dance. Until I get back, keep searching USA.
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 <media:text type="html"><![CDATA[Searchin USA
Episode “Job Market, Nu-metal, Kitty cats”

Paul: Tristan has one job that is finding me Evian and corn chips whenever I want them. What’s so f**cking hard about tat, Oh. Ha, ha, ha! Hey welcome to searchin USA the show where we peek up the internets skirt and make fun of those googlers. Some of this material may not be suitable for children or whatever. So you might want to duct tape them inside a closet or something. Let’s go. 
First off lets run down my top ten WTF or why the fuss, searches for last week. Number five, bathroom pranks. Some people rent Ben Stiller films, and others can’t handle all that narrative fluff so they cut right to the chase to get their bathroom humor redux.
Number four, pictures of cats. Grandma get off the internet so I can look up my bathroom pranks. Three pick up lines. If you have to search for these on the internet you are better off staying in your parent’s basement where you belong. Two, newspaper obituaries. It’s like the phonebook, but more dead. And my number one WTF search of the week is jobs in Nigeria. Once they filled that night manager position down at Taco Bell, you figured you would take your job search elsewhere. Like Africa.
God it’s like the dessert in here.
Announcer: Hey whose doing some searching?
Paul: Up next a segment I call, thunder dome. Where we take two searches from the top one thousand and compares which one appears higher on the list. 
So who wins if we pit the undisputed greatest most successful band of all time. The Beatles, vs. the greatest white trash metal rap rockers of all time Linken Park. If you guessed the Beatles, then you have a brain. Coming in a six hundred, the fab four are no match for Linken Park, who peer down from their ivory tower at number sixty. This only goes to prove that pop music has only grown from the quality and grace since the heyday of our famous little hoodwinks. 
Buffalo wings if they have them.
Announcer: AFGDOPZ
Paul: And now for misspellings. Where we feature a search that so many people couldn’t spell it correctly it actually made it into the top one thousand. So last week thousands upon thousands of you searched for utube. A wildly popular site that sells pipe fittings and roller formed equipment. As opposed to more important things like home videos of bathroom pranks. 
Ok, that’s all I got. I am going to go curl up with a warm cup of ovaltine with my favorite newspaper obituaries. I will see you next week, keep searching USA. 


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 <itunes:subtitle>Can Sir Paul defeat upstart metal heads?</itunes:subtitle>
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 <item> <title>Falco, Playing Games, and Enrique Iglesias</title>
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 <pubDate>Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:48:00 -0500</pubDate>
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 <media:text type="html"><![CDATA[Searchin’ USA
Episode “Falco, Playing games, and Enrique Iglesias

Oh, ahoy, ahoy webernaughts. Welcome to searchin USA, the first show ever in the history of man kid that dares to tell you the ridiculous things you search for everyday right here, on old man internet. But be warned intrepid searcher. Some of it ain't kid friendly if you Ecatch, my Edrift.
Top ten searches:
Ten, Google. That’s right American you are googling Google. Nine, game cheats for ps2, because your little brother and all the pothead in Cincinnati cant beat God of War without training wheels. Eight Harry Potter, which is evidently some children’s book series about kids with psychic powers that play in a rock band and solve crimes.  
Seven hentia, if you don’t know, don’t ask. Six p&$%y. Five play game. Me Tarzan me want parcheesy. Four MySpace. Tack on a .com and you might end up at the actual website. Three porn. Two, porn’s dorky older brother sex. And rounding out the top ten at number one is our perky friend, boobs. Boobs. 
And now for a segment I like to call combination, where we keep you abreast with interestingly adjacent search results. This week shamelessly making out in the corner of club Google is former Kournekova lover Enrique Iglesias at 259, and gay porn at 260. Via con dios my limp wristed friends. 
And now it is time for Joshes pick o' the week, where we raise a struggling search as high as we can in the top one thousand. This week, Falco. Remember Falco? Well, at 865, there is lots of room to rock his Amadeus to the top ten, so go Google Falco. And raise him into the fame. Lets do it, we can make it.
Ok I am feeling a little testy so I am going to go log into a bathroom, but you keep searching USA and I will see you next week. Bye.


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